Today there is a knot in my stomach. I am full of anger and resentment. The financial hole that alcohol dug for us is far greater than we can fill currently. As hard as we work, we still can’t manage to make ends meet at the end of the month. We are paying credit card interest through the nose. Our debt is not that large, but by merely paying minimum payments (which we can’t even truly afford) we will spend decades paying it off.
I feel like we are being punished now that we are on the right track. Now that my husband is sober our finances are at their all time worst. And neither of us is spending frivolously. How the hell does that happen? Our mortgage is going up in August. 9/1 we have a roommate moving in to help supplement our income.
I am frustrated that when my husband was using, the money seemed to flow at us unbidden. Now that he’s sober all of the faucets have dried up.
I know that life doesn’t make sense, isn’t fair. I don’t expect the universe to pay of my debts. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard all the time. And that I truly had a shoulder to lean on in this mess. Because truth be told, my husband is still an anxious mess, not dealing with any of his own stress in a healthy way. Which means I have little to no emotional support because he can’t even process his own emotions. He mentioned he was willing to go back to therapy with me by his side last week. That’d be great, only we can’t afford it.
Fucking catch 22.
What if I sell my house? We’d have to rent a much smaller place in a not as nice area and completely uproot our son who just recently had his life stabilize. I wrestle with this one a lot. Plus, to sell the house for its full worth we’d need to invest a little in it, which we also don’t have.
I just don’t feel like I can win right now and I’m not sure how much longer I can fight.
I get acupuncture to treat my migraines. I love that it can be used in addiction treatment programs as well.
I realized recently that I am now living the life I mourned. The life that I thought was no longer a possibility. I shed many tears over the loss of this life. The loss I was so sure my sons’ would feel so acutely.
I mourned the loss of my best friend as if he had died, though he was still very much alive, only drowning.
But this life didn’t die. It somehow managed to rise from the ashes. And it’s ours.
I thank God every single day that we have one more day.
It’s been less than a year, yet here we are. Hand in hand.
I hold on fervently to the hope that I never have to let go again.
you find a receipt in his wallet for the beer he had on the plane ride home a few weeks back.
So there’s that.
I wish he would just fucking knock it off with the lying already. It’s hard enough to rebuild a relationship but it’s a hell of a lot harder when the lies are continuing. Have the balls to be honest with me.
I’m not even mad. He’s just that pathetic.
I am angry.
I’m angry that I still don’t trust what you say especially when you come home at 2:40 am.
I’m angry that your old life is seeping into our new life but you won’t answer my questions.
I’m angry that you put me through so much shit that involved so many other people that it’s going to take a long time for those surprises to cease.
Sometimes I want the truth and sometimes I feel like it would be too much to actually know. But I deserve the truth if it pops up in my new life.
This baggage sucks so much sometimes I could scream.
sillisa replied to your post: The Straw.
If I may be nosy, what are the big changes? As for it getting easier…recovery certainly does get easier. So there is hope. Are you still going to alanon? Haven’t seen you post lately, Is he sober? I AM nosy! :-) No, I’m interested.
He is still very much sober, just still very anxious and depressed. So those two things are interfering with both of our lives. This is the first time in his teen/adult life he has been sober and un-medicated. It’s gone very well considering, now it is very apparent that the abstinence from substances does not fix those two things. So therapy, meds, or a combo are in order in the near future. He’s still sorting it out. In the meantime he’s been way more helpful at home. Yay for that!
Spring Break. Florida vacation. Poolside. Sunshine. It was awful.
Separately and together we hit a wall this past week. One single outburst and I hit and exceeded my limit. I shut down. I stopped caring, stopped trying. I realized once and for all I will never be good enough. I will never be enough to make him happy. His misery is his own. I can’t change it, lessen it, fix it. So I just stopped.
For the last half of the week we barely spoke. I had nothing left to say and he felt it. I couldn’t fake it anymore, didn’t see the point. He left early Friday morning to go to an out of state wedding. When we spoke on the phone, things almost felt normal, fine, ok. It was weird.
We picked him up at the airport yesterday. We got home and all was the same. Within 5 minutes I knew nothing had changed. So I stopped again. Then he said those four little words: “We need to talk.” As the boys ate their dinner while watching a DVD, we snuck upstairs.
"I can’t keep doing this. I’m ready to make some big changes."
Whoa. Not what I was expecting. So I shared my heart as well. I told him I am trying to find the balance between supporter and care-giver. I don’t want to be his care-giver, I want to be his supporter.
So here we are now, on the same path again. We’re by no means in the same place, but at least we’re now headed in the same direction.
My one question for the universe is: does it ever get any easier?
I cannot get enough of this song, it is so beautiful. This live video is pretty badass too.